(Golf Digest -12/11 by Sam Weinman)
The only thing worse than playing with one of these guys is BEING one of these guys.
1. Unsolicited Swing Advice Guy
Defining characteristics: Knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn't ask. Employs a vast array of swing jargon that only confuses you further.
Favorite expression: "Wait, try this!"
2. The Human Rain Delay
Defining characteristics: Thinks he is honoring spirit of the game by never picking up. Not in the spirit of the game: dragging his foursome through a three-and-a-half hour front nine.
Favorite expression: "Put me down for a 10."
3. Cell Phone Guy
Defining characteristics: Considers golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist's couch, etc. Has perfected the balancing-phone-on-the shoulder wedge shot.
Favorite expression: "You guys hit. I gotta take this."
4. The Cart Girl Schmoozer
Defining characteristics: Convinced he's got a shot with the cart girl. Would be crushed to learn she offered the same flirty laugh and bag of nuts to foursome of geeks up ahead.
Favorite expression: "We'll take four beers and one more smile, darlin'."
5. The Parking Lot Pro
Defining characteristics: Color-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he's played professionally. Topped drive off the first tee suggests otherwise.
Favorite expression: "These are the same shoes Tiger wears."
6. The Air Counter
Defining characteristics: Can't remember his score without reliving every shot in detail.
Favorite expression: "One in the pond, two drop, three back in the pond. Four I had that funky lie in the bunker and left it in the bunker ... "
7. The Frat Boy
Defining characteristics: Unable to fathom a round of golf without a steady stream of adult beverages. Idea of restraint is to hold off drinking ... until the second hole.
Favorite expression: "A few beers will loosen up that swing!"
8. Cigar Guy
Defining characteristics: The easiest golfer to locate on the course thanks to waft of smoke trailing behind him. Oblivious to playing partners struggling for air -- and the ash droppings on his belly.
Favorite expression: "Straight from Havana, baby!"
9. The Sandbagger
Defining characteristics: The 15 handicap who is somehow playing "much better" than he has in years. Feigns apology when he drops bunker shot within inches of cup, then kicks sand off his shoes like a tour pro.
Favorite expression: "I guess it's just one of those days..."
10. Oblivious Guy
Defining characteristics: So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else's ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his.
Favorite expression: "But enough about me. What do YOU think of my swing?"
11. Ball Retriever Guy
Defining characteristics: Never passes a water hazard without his trusty scoop at the ready. Last bought a new sleeve of balls in the late 80s.
Favorite expression: "Whoa! A ProV1!"
12. The Volcano
Defining characteristics: Has unique ability to allow even the most pleasant days to be soured by any bad swing, bounce, or lie. Relies on Ball Retriever Guy to occasionally fetch clubs out of lake.
Favorite expression: "[Not printable]"
13. Delusional Guy
Defining characteristics: Forces group to wait on every par 5 because he's convinced he can get home in two. Usually get there in four.
Favorite expression: "If I really catch it, I can get there."
14. Mulligan Guy
Defining characteristics: Liberally allows himself another whack even when first shot is findable.
Favorite expression: "Wait, wait, wait. I gotta try another."
15. The Plumb Bobber
Defining characteristics: The only guy in the group not to notice the foursome behind yelling from the fairway as he lines up his putt for double from every angle imaginable.
Favorite expression: "Son of a gun, I actually think it goes both ways!"
16. Yardage Book Guy
Defining characteristics: Has to walk off every blade of grass before hitting. After contemplating whether a shot is 176 yards or 178, ends up hitting it 150.
Favorite expression: "I can't decide if it's a hard 7 or a soft 6."
17. The Cheat
Defining characteristics: A sympathetic figure when he pushes his tee shot deep into the woods. Not as sympathetic: When he announces his ball somehow stayed in bounds -- with a clear shot to the green!
Favorite expression: "Better to be lucky than good!"
18. The Overcelebrater
Defining characteristics: Treats every holed three footer as if just won the Masters. Has sent multiple playing partners home early thanks to overzealous chest bumping.
Favorite expression: "Yes SIR!"
Thanks Golf Digest for this great read! Our staff has kindly attributed some of these characteristics to Quarry team members--one of us (cough, cough, our GM) is the "Cell Phone Guy," one of us is the "The Volcano," and others still represent many of the 18 described in this article. So dead-on accurate for the golf world.
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